Deceit

Hands and feets are being chilled now. Ain't concentrating. Thousands of thoughts whirling in my mind now. Ain't feeling any better.

PMS suck. I suffer from crying syndrom. Need L-Eryptophan or 5-HTP to cure my emotions.

Yet sometimes I must agree that PMS thoughts are realistic.

Hate being myself. Nothing about me wins your heart. You told me I'm too strong in personality, you don't like it this way. You told me Huai Kuan's gf commented me about my personality as Fierce. I wonder why you should take people's words in it. It may be my past that hinders you but if you love me you should accept my past. I realise that your life is not fitted for people like me to enter. I may be too tough at times but c'mon i'm still a girl I have times when I'm weak. Why do guys simply loves girl who always seemed so weak and needed protection - and then only they will secure their girl? What's so good about a girl behaving so cowardly and what's the matter with people thinking that guys should always be of a higher position than girls? why?

I did try to go along with your ways but i will have times when i can't take it anymore too. I really really really regretted telling you yesterday night about how i felt being with your family.

Now I wonder how i am going to face your family.. I always told myself that it doesn't matter how your family treats or think of me but somehow i know i'm just deceiving myself that i don't bother. I know I should whine that much but you weren't in my shoe so you wouldn't know. It's suffocating to hide all my sorrows to myself and only cry out my pain to realise that I will swallow it back in the end. Never I have a chance to really let you undestand what i'm going through because your egoistic have already conquered my courage and I'm left with nothing but just to tell myself to have taken it lightly. I know that life isn't always perfect but I still lingered for a bit of hope that sometimes what i wished for will come through. All the bit and pieces we have gone through together still failed to even make our relationship abit stronger.

From the first time when you met me, you told me how I should respect myself and leave a guy who isn't worth my love. you told me i should deserve someone better and that you nominated yourself to be the person who will be worth my love. yet now you are telling me that i am acting too tough for you and you can't take the way I am. I should have told myself and believed that words are always a mask of all actions. I should have believe that humans are all selfish and we only do things that is beneficial for own self. Yet I chose to go against the reality, graping a glimpse of hope that miracle will happen. I'm sucha clown. I should have known.

I know I'm a very bad girlfriend, but little little things that I've done you've not seen it too. I know that you had sacrificed alot for me as well but honestly sometimes you just sacrificed the wrong thing. I have times when I'm mean, when I'm bad but I hope that you will be kind enough to let go. Yet your heart of vengence is so strong even my apology is dissolved by your strong power of vengence.

I can only said I've tried.

And I can only tell myself now that I should have taken things lightly.

I would have been fine.

I will be fine.